unwell
i wanna be happy...joyful...but it seems i'm so hard to please..and yet i give a smile each day, to hide the feelings of loneliness...
last sunday after church, daryll (my youngest sister) and i dropped by at JB san pedro to greet pa a happy father's day...well, what should i expect, i didn't even received a thank u...he wasn't looking at me, and all he can say was about daryll and some of his crew (while talking to his crew not me)...so we decided to go home (yes, in my original home at buhangin)...when we arrived ma and chelly woke up...chin opened the door for us...then, i asked them to eat with me, but said they have finished eaten...i jokingly said, "ah panagsa ra gani ko muuli, dili pa jud makigdungan ug kaon" (ah, i just come home once, and you won't eat with me)..i don't know if i translated it right...but it's sort of like that..hehehe...i was still smiling, but my heart was aching..here i was missing them..and all they can feel was bein' sleepy...nothing changed on a sunday afternoon, if it was not TV, it's a nap good for 5 hours...after eating i enjoyed the privilege of watching asap after more than 2 mos. of not having to watch a TV program....but then my head ached and i started feeling drowsy, so i took a nap (yes, good for 5 hrs.)hahaha...well it was a half asleep and half awake nap...i can hear their voices, i can hear daryll recording her laughter on my phone, can hear the TV as well..and heard pa when he came home around 4...but i kept on sleeping...not bothering to wake up, coz i don't know what i would be doing outside the room...around 6 pangit came..and fetched me to go back to bangkal...and afterall the jitters i felt...father's day...that sunday was just one plain day...that i could not forget...
feeling lonely?nah..that isn't lonely...that's being pitiful...grrr...
today, june 23,2006..i feel sick..yes..again i FEEL sick..i am not sick..i just feel it..and the head ache is back again...i don't know if it's because of the weather or it's because of the pain i feel...i just don't understand why guys would be so "manhid"...and sometimes so UNFAIR...well, i'm not referring to all, ok?i just hate it..when afterall i've done...it just seems, i've done nothing...weird..confused...well, better yet don't read the rest of this passage coz you'll just lose your head...
yesterday, i asked pangit if i could go to his bhaus after class...and he said no...then i asked why can't he come to bangkal (he's our CHEF...)...and he said he's gonna do some laundry...so i asked again for the nth time, if i can go to his bhaus so i can spend some time with him..told him, it would be ok, if i just look at him the whole night..but then it was still NO...i know i'm being childish, but i just felt, he didn't like my presence at all...or he was used to me always being there...always at his sight...i went to class after work..not bothering to say bye to him..i hated him...i can't understand why we can't be ALWAYS together (yeah, guys i know sometimes i could be a little possesive..and i don't care)...after class, i couldn't resist but call him..so i called him (thanx to SUN)...i asked why i can't come?he asked, we've been together the whole day..so what does he mean?does he mean he's used to me?urgh..told him..i am not asking for anything else but time...and there was so much talk...that i end up ending the call...i cried a lil bit...i was still at school remember...?
after the phone call, i indulged my self to the jokes presented by my friends ponyang, peng, keaken, and others...then we had a chat with our classsmate weng who was crying because of one lame joke...we comforted her and told her everything would be fine...after that, we went to NCCC to buy some stuff...after that we went home..fried fish for dinner...washed some white shirts...and chat for a while with mahtet and ken..and slept..
but the pain was there...i told myself...for all these years..i was always the one, keeping up..following..begging..aranging schedules..hahay...am i selfish?am i possesive?am i hard to please?then so be it...if he doesn't want time..i won't give him any..if he doesn't want attention..i won't mind giving attention to others...
i'm tired of driving myself too much..that sometimes i ask if i'm still normal...or am i lovable?hmpf...who says NO?if he's got a problem with my attitude then better yet he find another one...grrr...
well..those are my sentiments guys..i know..these are boring stuff for u..or nonsense and childish posts..but thanks anyway for letting me share this..
i think i'll be fine..yes i THINK..it's all in the mind right?have a blessed day everyone..muahh!
last sunday after church, daryll (my youngest sister) and i dropped by at JB san pedro to greet pa a happy father's day...well, what should i expect, i didn't even received a thank u...he wasn't looking at me, and all he can say was about daryll and some of his crew (while talking to his crew not me)...so we decided to go home (yes, in my original home at buhangin)...when we arrived ma and chelly woke up...chin opened the door for us...then, i asked them to eat with me, but said they have finished eaten...i jokingly said, "ah panagsa ra gani ko muuli, dili pa jud makigdungan ug kaon" (ah, i just come home once, and you won't eat with me)..i don't know if i translated it right...but it's sort of like that..hehehe...i was still smiling, but my heart was aching..here i was missing them..and all they can feel was bein' sleepy...nothing changed on a sunday afternoon, if it was not TV, it's a nap good for 5 hours...after eating i enjoyed the privilege of watching asap after more than 2 mos. of not having to watch a TV program....but then my head ached and i started feeling drowsy, so i took a nap (yes, good for 5 hrs.)hahaha...well it was a half asleep and half awake nap...i can hear their voices, i can hear daryll recording her laughter on my phone, can hear the TV as well..and heard pa when he came home around 4...but i kept on sleeping...not bothering to wake up, coz i don't know what i would be doing outside the room...around 6 pangit came..and fetched me to go back to bangkal...and afterall the jitters i felt...father's day...that sunday was just one plain day...that i could not forget...
feeling lonely?nah..that isn't lonely...that's being pitiful...grrr...
today, june 23,2006..i feel sick..yes..again i FEEL sick..i am not sick..i just feel it..and the head ache is back again...i don't know if it's because of the weather or it's because of the pain i feel...i just don't understand why guys would be so "manhid"...and sometimes so UNFAIR...well, i'm not referring to all, ok?i just hate it..when afterall i've done...it just seems, i've done nothing...weird..confused...well, better yet don't read the rest of this passage coz you'll just lose your head...
yesterday, i asked pangit if i could go to his bhaus after class...and he said no...then i asked why can't he come to bangkal (he's our CHEF...)...and he said he's gonna do some laundry...so i asked again for the nth time, if i can go to his bhaus so i can spend some time with him..told him, it would be ok, if i just look at him the whole night..but then it was still NO...i know i'm being childish, but i just felt, he didn't like my presence at all...or he was used to me always being there...always at his sight...i went to class after work..not bothering to say bye to him..i hated him...i can't understand why we can't be ALWAYS together (yeah, guys i know sometimes i could be a little possesive..and i don't care)...after class, i couldn't resist but call him..so i called him (thanx to SUN)...i asked why i can't come?he asked, we've been together the whole day..so what does he mean?does he mean he's used to me?urgh..told him..i am not asking for anything else but time...and there was so much talk...that i end up ending the call...i cried a lil bit...i was still at school remember...?
after the phone call, i indulged my self to the jokes presented by my friends ponyang, peng, keaken, and others...then we had a chat with our classsmate weng who was crying because of one lame joke...we comforted her and told her everything would be fine...after that, we went to NCCC to buy some stuff...after that we went home..fried fish for dinner...washed some white shirts...and chat for a while with mahtet and ken..and slept..
but the pain was there...i told myself...for all these years..i was always the one, keeping up..following..begging..aranging schedules..hahay...am i selfish?am i possesive?am i hard to please?then so be it...if he doesn't want time..i won't give him any..if he doesn't want attention..i won't mind giving attention to others...
i'm tired of driving myself too much..that sometimes i ask if i'm still normal...or am i lovable?hmpf...who says NO?if he's got a problem with my attitude then better yet he find another one...grrr...
well..those are my sentiments guys..i know..these are boring stuff for u..or nonsense and childish posts..but thanks anyway for letting me share this..
i think i'll be fine..yes i THINK..it's all in the mind right?have a blessed day everyone..muahh!
Comments
About your family....things like that happen...and with ur BF, it happens too. Some people get used having u around to the point that they wouldn't give a damn if ur still there or not. They know you'll be there for them so why on earth would they think of u too often??? (that's what they probably think.) They're assured that you would always be there...that's all there is to it. They miss u...very much but they probably have a crummy way of showing it. As for ur BF...I guess guys can really be like that. But u can't really blame him Mei cause he's just being human. MEI...ur not selfish and possessive...ur a wonderful girl...i know that and i appreciate it. I know the others do too...stop worrying ur pretty head and just settle down, close ur eyes and take a deep breath...