hanging on...and on...and on...

hmmm...i'm tired...uh, physically and mentally...i wanna cry... wanna shout...just to let these hard feelings flow...waaaaaaaaaaah!!!yeah, i hope i can do that...but sad to say..i can't...i don't know...i feel numb...i feel alone... i feel blue...(yes my dear jeany, i'll be keeping on the positive side)...but there are certain things..that u just don't understand...things that u don't know how to deal with..or worse u don't know what's happening..and what you're really feeling...waaaaaaaaaaah!!!!

hey world can you just knock my head off?huhuhu... i don't know if i can live up to everybody's expectation...or even my own expectations...i'm real tired...huhuhu...LORD, i'm sorry for being like this...i know i'm not suppose to be like this...well mind u...i'm never like this when i'm with the real world..thanks to technology..there's blogspot i can turn to...wahahaha..

i wanna tell the world, tell my family, tell everyone..that hey..can't you see the pain i'm feeling? (uh, i hate crying in front of the monitor, words become blurry...hahaha)..hey can't you see i'm tired? hey i'm bored!!!i feel sick!!!waaaaaah!!!but you know that i can't...i really can't...coz i have to be the STRONG one...i have to keep on fighting...yeah they say you have a choice...you can choose what to do with ur life...really?if i have a choice...i won't be nagging in this blog..if i had the choice..i won't be crying everytime my sister drives me crazy...if i had a choice, i won't be working and studying at the same time...but do i have a choice?

i'm not being selfish...i'm not being rude...but don't you think i'm being too generous?waaaah!!!yes, i wanna do what what i'm doing right now, i love helping my family..because i love them...well i just hope they'll appreciate it...i just hope that they'll see what i'm feeling inside...uh, i don't even know what i'm feeling inside...they don't even know that i'm thinking about them 24/7...and i hate it..because i can't leave them...even when i'm hurting...

i don't know how to feel happy anymore..happy times are times when i'm with pangit...happy times are times when i dream about the future...happy times are times when i go to sleep and dream...happy times are when i see my mama smile...even after a day's hard work... happy times are when i see my youngest sister sing...

i don't know..i wanna be happy..HAPPY!!!!but i don't want to force it...i don't want to fake it anymore...i wanna feel sad when i'm sad...and now i feel sadness so much...that i come to realize that happiness has long been gone...

yes i know..i know..what you will say..what you will advise...thank you my friend...but i guess...i have to feel this sorrow..i have to face sadness in this time...but don't worry..i'll hang on...coz i know...everythung will come to pass in GOD's time...

Comments

Anonymous said…
sis mei.....it's just the start of ur fight....di ba nga u want 2006 to be a positive and upLifting year! just keep on hoLding on and stop feeLing bad about urself or anyone or anything eLse. Things happen for a reason.....i don't know what that reason is but in time God wiLL show u.

I know that i don't know EXACTLY what's going on but i just want u to know that i'LL be here for u aLways.....ok?!

About that expectation part......girL.....don't have any of it! stop it! i went through that and it was reaLLy sad....u aLways feeL so frustrated and depressed when things don't happen the way u either want them to or expect them to. This past coupLe of years that's what i'm trying to Live by...Live without expectations. Your probabLy thinking i've gone bezerk but it's reaLLy true. I know that peopLe expect a Lot from u and the last thing u want is to not Live up to it, but ur punishing urseLf by putting urself in that situation. In the end, uL just feeL very angry of urseLf and everything eLse.

aLso....don't feeL sorry for urseLf....that's just wrong! Love yourseLf and i don't mean going to a salon to get a mani-pedi....i mean feeL weLL about what happens, may it be good or bad. if u make a mistake....Laugh it off, no one is perfect not even God, because if he was, everything wouLd be perfect....there wiLL be no purpose in life. it's like being perfectLy imperfect....it's better to have a worLd that is imperfectly perfect than that.

about coming clean to ur famiLy.....that's hard to do. I don't bLame u for trying to hide aLL that. But you do know that whatever it is that ur hiding inside is a definite ticking time bomb. You know naman that u have friends that u can confide to, kaya i suggest u teLL them first. It's better to taLk to a human being naman di ba kesa d2 sa BLog!

and mei.....u DO have achoice, u aLways have a choice.....it's just that u don't take the chance to make the choice you want because u aLways feeL that u have to go with where they wanna go. Your trying too much to satisfy them that ur not even thinking about satisfying yourseLf. You want them to feeL fuLfiLLed without even fuLfiLling urseLf. it's hard to fit in, so why not stand out and make a new crowd. Everyday we make choices Like buying shampoo in a supermarket.....ur standing there thinking about getting either Pantene or Kerastase.....some people wouLd buy Kerastase cause it does miracles for ur hair, and then there are those who would go with the Pantene, because no matter what wonders the Kerastase does for ur hair......u wouLdn't wanna spend $26 on a bottLe of it. So for once, be the one who buys the Kerastase instead of the Pantene.

haay.......i'm not making sense any more so i better cut it short! sorry about the shampoo, babae Lang po ako....heehee! basta i'm aLways here when u need me.....mwah!


PS> about the appreciation part......peoLe are Like that, they take things for granted......don't expect them to change because they've been doig that for the past 6 biLLion years. Then again, how sure r u that they reaLLy don't appreciate what u do??? i'm sure that they appreciate it, they probabLy just have no idea how to show it.

word of advice from my big mouth; those who expect more, Live Less and those who Expect Less, Live more....it's ur choice...
7:10 AM
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