a cold and rainy morning...

i thought i woke up earlier today...but it was just the presence of the dark clouds that made it looked 3am...and for the nth time..i was late...i really hope i can't be late anymore..but i can't wake up early..and i can't get a ride in the span of 5 minutes...ugh!

yetserday night before goping to sleep...i texted the parker (smart users..thnx to the unlimited)....i told them m not feeling well..and that i have not been feeling well for the past 4 years...yes...4 years..m not sick or what...i just feel unwell..empty..and i know why...and maybe some of u know why...yes m happy...happiness is a choice..and i chose to be happy all these years..despite the hardships..the struggles..the pain...but happiness...is nothing compared to joy...having peace...having faith..that everything is okay...yes, a lot has changed...i have faith in the LORD..but...maybe...i lose sight of my own track..that i started doubting Him...well not really Him, but the world, myself...many things have really changed...i started hating others...disliking others..nagging others (especially my pangit)..and i feel so sad...knowing..that i can never bring back the old me..happy-go-lucky me..worry-free...assured and insured...just me...

i don't know..if i can get my new year's resolutions to work...but i do hope i can..i wanna be happy...uh, more than happy...i wanna be joyful..wanna be contented...wanna love the world back..eventhough it won't be loving me as much in return...wanna love the people around me...in spite of their flaws...wanna be me..

i know...many of u will not understand how i am..and what i am...many of u would think..i'm just bein' emotional...but many of u..do not see my heart...the heart that longs for love, hope, and faith...

i love JESUS..and i know i have failed Him a million times...i know i'm forgiven...but what good is forgiveness if i'm not worth it all..i just hope...i'm all worth it...i just hope..i can regain that place in His heart...i just hope...and i will continue hoping...till he says "Welcome back my child"...

Comments

Anonymous said…
i haven't been a friend of yours for such a Long time but i wanna heLp u. i will strengthen you with my prayers, bless you with my love, and encourage you with my hope (that sounds corny...heehee!)...whew! no one knew that u were going through aLL of that and for 4 years and no one seems to have taken the time to notice. Sometimes things don't go our way and everything is just a mess and u end up feeLing that there is nothing out there for u. You start to change the way u used to see things and do things. I'm gLad that ur actuaLLy seeking the Lord's heLp...i'm sure that he wiLl guide u through it aLL and put u back into the path u beLong. Put in mind that u have friends and famiLy who Love and support u very much. Know aLways that if u need anything, and i mean ANYTHING...i'm just here 4 u aLways.
8:11 AM
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