4 years....

i'm confused...i'm lost..yesterday night...i told pangit about my feelings, about the emptiness i'm feeling since 2001..but it was not because of him...then i told him that he doesn't care...and i got mad at him because he doesn't know me that much..and that he always judges my family...i was hurt...he doesn't even wanna know my relationship with God..just because he's Catholic and I'm not...I hated him last night..I hated him so much..that I didn't make up with him..I don't want to..even if it means not having to celebrate our $th year anniversary...and even if it means not getting back together...i hate him for not making me feel special..for not understanding how i feel inside..i hate him for not accepting me as i am..and so is my family...

i love pangit...but if this is all i got in four years...no foundation...i'm willing to let go...even if it hurts that much...i've been through many kinds of pain...and i don't know if it would hurt that much still..when i let go of him...

i just want everything to be UPON HIM...i don't want my future family to be like his family and even like my family...i pray that my future family..will live upon GOD's love and GOD's rules...i am not being KJ..or being so HOLY...i just want to give HIM back all what is worth of HIM...

i know i am lost...i don't deal with drugs...i don't talk dirty..yet i am lost...empty...i just wanna find the real and old me..i wnat to be in His arms....and if i have to give up someone i love so much...just for Him..i would...coz i know..He knows everything...and i know he just wants the best for me...

for the past 4 years....i was living in a lie...pretending that everything's ok..when it's not...feeling ok...when i'm not...yes, my life is an open book...but my heart is a vessel chained....

Comments

Anonymous said…
4 years is a VERY Long time and after reading this post, i just have to ask......why didn't u say aLL this earLier??? why wait 4 years??? 4 years of Lying and pretending to be aLright in front of everyone.....i'm sure that u have a reason for that and i know that you may not answer my question but you have to take charge of your Life. you have to teLL urseLf that your done with this Life.....you wanna get over it and u need heLp. I'm happy that u are actuaLLy admitting that u need heLp because most peopLe have a hard time doing so. Like what most peopLe say....acceptance is the key and since you've aLready admitted aLL that and u have accepted aLL that happened in those 4 years.....i'm sure that everything wiLL sooon work out! One more thing, about ur BF.........guys tend to be Like that honey &don't worry....he does care, he probabLy just doesn't know how to show it....
8:22 AM
Anonymous said…
i dont really go for details mae, but geez, burn out...its always around. not only on four years but for a lifetime, and for all sort of things...blah blah!

-evil-
MALAYA
9:22 PM
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